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Batman then tells Alfred to handle her, and you'd expect Bruce Wayne's unwavering butler, played with charisma and warmth by Britain's National Grandfather Michael Caine, to take up the task with tact and cleverness. Batman , Batman Incorporated 1 , The Batman Files -April Clarkson Gotham after Midnight YEAR SEVEN -Kelli JLA Page Giant 2 -Catwoman Bruce still does everything shy of having sex on rooftops with Catwoman. White Mage.

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• Discover the origins of everyone's favorite Batman song in The Secret True History Of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' and check out the strangest meet cute in comic book history in 5 WTF Comicbook Origins Of Batman V Superman.

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As I mentioned earlier, Rachel Dawes doesn't really become Bruce Wayne's girlfriend so much as she's just around to tell him to get his shit together. And when Bruce was travelling the world, learning about criminals and brooding, it's hard to imagine that sex was a very big priority for him. So when he finds himself broke and next to the first uncostumed woman in his life who isn't demanding that he clean his room, he's going to bust out his best moves for the occasion.

This version of Batman is so vengefully sexless that The Dark Knight Rises ' descent into romance is done with all of the grace of a squid enema. Bruce and Talia run through the rain If you ever wondered what an indie romance movie would be like if the first and third act were about getting your back broken by a terrorist, your dreams come true in the middle of The Dark Knight Rises.

It's like Garden State for caped manchildren. All first times are awkward, and anyone who tells you otherwise currently makes their living as a youth pastor. That's awkwardness on a level that you can only comprehend when your coping mechanism is putting on body armor and tackling Two-Face. That's why Talia won't even look Bruce Wayne in the face for a while after they get done with what must have been four minutes of growling and dark, gritty reboot humps.

We tell children that they can be anything that they want when they grow up, so it's the fault of my elementary school teachers and family that I'm writing this next sentence: I don't think the Joker and Harley Quinn have sex that frequently, if at all. If I'm wrong about the comic book universe, please send me the exact panel that proves me wrong.

But I'm fairly certain that the Joker and Harley Quinn in the Batman: The Animated Series and Arkham game universes have about as much sex as me and this toboggan filled with queso dip beside me.

Bad example. Again, I'm expecting a lot of you to disagree with me. Agreeing about anything when it comes to Batman hasn't happened since , when everyone left The Dark Knight feeling overjoyed and overloaded the whole concept of agreement. The Joker and Harley are the Prom King and Queen of Arkham Asylum, but I've always thought of their relationship as very asexual.

In the Batman episode "Mad Love," Harley climbs up on Joker's desk and asks him if he wants to "ride his Harley," a scene that introduced millions of children to the notion of costumed boning.

The Joker responds by shoving her to the floor and continuing to make plans for his true love: Batman. The only time Harley ever receives any kind of affection is from Batman himself. In "Harley's Holiday," after Batman shows her general benevolence for an episode, she kisses him hard.

It goes on for so long that there's an extended shot of Robin looking on, befuddled by what must be the closest thing that he's ever seen to normal human affection. Girls from Metropolis; you wouldn't know them.

Batman, obviously pleased with himself, even flirts back with her before walking away and never speaking of it again.

After years of putting on tights and getting chased by Catwoman, this is Batman's Can't Hardly Wait moment, when "Ocean Avenue" swells and he knows that it's all going to be uphill from here. Now, the Arkham game universe and the Batman: TAS universe are obviously different timelines, but one thing that doesn't change between the two is Joker and Harley Quinn's symbiotic relationship. Until you get to Arkham City , in which Harley Quinn reveals that she was trying to get pregnant.

Cracked has written before that Arkham City allows you to simulate what it would be like to beat up a pregnant clown woman, but if she was going to try to get pregnant, she picked the worst time for it. At the end of Arkham Asylum , the Joker is left battered by explodey punches and Titan formula. It took the looming presence of a painful death and near-decrepitude for the Joker to actually "ride his Harley. Talk to Daniel about Batman on his wasteland of a Twitter account.

Well, simply follow us behind this curtain. Or, you know, click here: Braindrop. Discover the origins of everyone's favorite Batman song in The Secret True History Of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' and check out the strangest meet cute in comic book history in 5 WTF Comicbook Origins Of Batman V Superman. Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see us get pumped for Batman v.

Also follow us on Facebook , and then lay back and relax. Don't worry, we'll do all the work. Did you know that cats modeled their "meow" after the cries of human babies, just because they knew us humans care about that noise? Did you know that dogs can read your mind emotionally , and live in constant suspicion that you know where the good food is which you totally do?

Jack will be joined by Carmen Angelica, Dan O'Brien, Alex Schmidt, and Jake Weisman at the UCB Sunset Theatre on Wednesday, March 9, at 7 p. Purchase your tickets here! It's true crime week in One Cracked Fact! Subscribe to get true crime sent to your inbox every day this week.

Plus, one One Cracked Fact subscriber will be randomly chosen to win a collection of five true crime books. Sign up now! Some people look towards beloved celebrity icons for comfort. Turns out that's the exact wrong place to look. Nursing Homes Are Misdiagnosing Schizophrenia At An Alarming Rate Residents with dementia are being diagnosed with schizophrenia so that powerful sedatives can be shoved down their throats. Authors By Zanandi Botes Published September 22, Comments 0.

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Authors By Cezary Jan Strusiewicz, Jordan Breeding Published September 22, Comments 0. Batman Forever is a great time capsule for In hindsight, it's baffling to think that when Batman Returns underperformed, they made Batman Forever as a way to fix the Batman series. They created that movie with the thought process of "Now this, THIS will save us.

That's a safe bet if I ever saw one. If you haven't seen it in a while, the Riddler creates a machine that broadcasts your wildest unconscious fantasies, and shows it off at a party for the rich people of Gotham. One woman tries it and finds herself covered in nice jewelry.

That's pleasant. Of course Bruce Wayne tries it and sees stuff about bats and his dead parents, because he can't be trusted to do anything properly. But overall, what could go wrong?

He could go wrong. The first guy who goes in imagines himself on a tropical beach. Two women come to his side and offer him a drink and some kisses. Asian Joseph Gordon-Levitt is similarly amused. But is there a time limit on this machine?

Because if not, then there certainly needs to be. Or some kind of fail-safe that shuts down at the first hint of nipple. The lives of countless millionaires are going to be ruined when it's revealed that their shared deepest desire is to bareback Commissioner Gordon in a Bat suit. Or that might be Riddler's ultimate plan.

Capture Wayne's girlfriend, stop Batman, blah blah whatever? All that stuff is secondary. The real goal is to make sure that everyone knows that the CEO of GothCorp wants a threesome with Man-Bat and Clayface on top of the Bat signal.

In Batman Begins , the League of Shadows infiltrates Wayne Manor and burns the place down. It's a pretty big news story, and it gets blamed on Bruce Wayne's unwieldy drunken playboy persona. It also seems like a fairly disastrous event, but it's nothing compared to what would have happened if it didn't happen, which is Alfred Pennyworth being charged with attempted kidnapping.

Rachel Dawes is an interesting character in the Dark Knight trilogy, because she rarely acts like a typical love interest instead existing to show Bruce what he could have if he wasn't so goddamn insane , but still gets the fate that's usually dealt to one. After not making out with Bruce Wayne ever, she gets fear-gassed by Scarecrow and rescued by Batman, who takes her home and gives her an antidote.

Batman then tells Alfred to handle her, and you'd expect Bruce Wayne's unwavering butler, played with charisma and warmth by Britain's National Grandfather Michael Caine, to take up the task with tact and cleverness. But you'd be wrong. Instead, he thrusts her into the car like his next step is dropping her into a well. As with every entry on this list, there are countless ways that this plan could've been improved, and Alfred making sure that no one was watching when he lugged a blacked-out lady to the backseat is in all of them.

They're standing in plain sight. I don't need Alfred to have the senses or strength of Batman. I don't need him to be inventing contingency plans to take down the Justice League and arguing with tiny fanboys from alternate universes. I don't know how it was when Bruce Wayne was off ninja-ing it up in the mountains and you had the whole mansion to yourself, Alfred, but times have changed. You can't just go toting comatose women around without looking both ways.

I've known her since she was a little girl. And no, it doesn't help that he turns around and offers a wry British witticism. Gotham City works in mysterious ways, but I doubt that two people are going to watch Bruce Wayne's butler abduct the city's unconscious Assistant DA and not call every cop that the city has. If the house hadn't burned down, The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises would've been solely about Bruce's attempts to learn how to make tea for himself. Actually, that's preferable to what we got in The Dark Knight Rises , because in that movie Bruce did find himself Alfred-less, and that was when As I mentioned earlier, Rachel Dawes doesn't really become Bruce Wayne's girlfriend so much as she's just around to tell him to get his shit together.

And when Bruce was travelling the world, learning about criminals and brooding, it's hard to imagine that sex was a very big priority for him. So when he finds himself broke and next to the first uncostumed woman in his life who isn't demanding that he clean his room, he's going to bust out his best moves for the occasion. This version of Batman is so vengefully sexless that The Dark Knight Rises ' descent into romance is done with all of the grace of a squid enema.

Bruce and Talia run through the rain If you ever wondered what an indie romance movie would be like if the first and third act were about getting your back broken by a terrorist, your dreams come true in the middle of The Dark Knight Rises. It's like Garden State for caped manchildren. All first times are awkward, and anyone who tells you otherwise currently makes their living as a youth pastor.

That's awkwardness on a level that you can only comprehend when your coping mechanism is putting on body armor and tackling Two-Face. That's why Talia won't even look Bruce Wayne in the face for a while after they get done with what must have been four minutes of growling and dark, gritty reboot humps. We tell children that they can be anything that they want when they grow up, so it's the fault of my elementary school teachers and family that I'm writing this next sentence: I don't think the Joker and Harley Quinn have sex that frequently, if at all.

If I'm wrong about the comic book universe, please send me the exact panel that proves me wrong. But I'm fairly certain that the Joker and Harley Quinn in the Batman: The Animated Series and Arkham game universes have about as much sex as me and this toboggan filled with queso dip beside me.

Bad example. Again, I'm expecting a lot of you to disagree with me. Black Batman Cums To Leave A Creampie! DOWNFALL OF BATMAN - 70 minutes of COSPLAY FUCKING Slutty criminal punished by Batman! Holy Pulsating Prolapse, Batman! Splatman french dub A Batman porn parody K. Batman gets sucked off by Alexis Texas Batman Parody Tori Black banged in threesome by Batman and Robin Batman Woman Strap-on Harley Quinn dominates Batman Batgirl sucks off Batman K.

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